I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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