i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
