So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
