I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize