"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
