Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize