I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
