i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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