so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
