I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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