I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
