The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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