I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
