It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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