My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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