I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
