my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
