I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
