Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
