Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
