We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i drank out of a bidet.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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