The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize