i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
