If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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