sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
