I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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