Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize