I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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