do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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