I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
