Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
