I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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