Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
