I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
