And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
