Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
