I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
