I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
