I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
