Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
