I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
