To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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