He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
