i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
