I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
