He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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