Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
