I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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