I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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