my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
