Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
