don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
