I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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