it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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