your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
