hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
