my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
