I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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