also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
