when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
