what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
