That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize