I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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