im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
