I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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